I guess things were too easy in Michigan. So many friends within a close range of my house. So many kids right outside the front door, frolicking near the yellow slide. A church congregation made up entirely of young families in graduate school. I arrived, people knocked on my door bearing warm hellos and goodies (a full fried chicken dinner the first night we moved in!), and I had friends. Easy peasy (lemon squeezy). Now I've lived in Oregon for nearly four months and still do not have a friend who calls me regularly. My sister Shauna, although my friend, is exempt from all examples of my dorky friend-making woes because we were friends BEFORE we moved here. And if I didn't have her, I would really feel friendless. Please note that I don't feel depressed about my situation. I'm just analyzing it in an effort to make some changes and get some friends.
So, onto my "differently-abled" friend-making self. I've always thought of myself as a friendly person, and I've always been able to make friends rather easily. Since moving here we've had about 4 different families over for dinner, dessert, or games. I've gone to several church and community functions, and I've even invited over 7 different children for my kids to play with. All good things, right? So what's my problem? There is one woman I met through church. Her kids had swimming lessons the same time as my kids and we talked every day during them. We've tried to do a few things with her family, but they haven't reciprocated any invitations. They are busy, and our kids' ages don't match up entirely, so I don't think they don't like us. The problem, I think, is that somehow, whenever I talk to her, stupid stuff comes out of my mouth. It's like I subconsciously think of the dumbest thing I could say and then spout it off. Nothing racist or inappropriate, just something that doesn't make much sense. It's driving me crazy! And so every time we talk I give myself a little pep talk. "Okay, here's your chance. Just say some normal stuff and then it will be fine. Ask about her kids. Talk about Halloween. You can do this!" Yet, still, something awkward happens.
I feel like I'm back in high school, trying to figure out if a guy likes me. You know how it was. You'd have a conversation, then spend HOURS analyzing every word of it with a friend. Then you'd think about the next time you might possibly run into the guy, or you'd figure out a way to run into the guy, or you'd lay on the floor listening to Chicago or Journey imagining holding his hand. Don't tell me I'm the only one who did that!
So I may be exaggerating this whole thing just a teensy tiny bit for the sake of entertainment. Shameless, I know. But I think there really is an underlying issue here. I've been taken out of my friend comfort zone and I don't like it. I have plenty of nice acquaintances, but what I really want is a few more friends. You know, the kind that invite you to do things, that call you on the phone, that stop by your house just to hang out, that include you in their social gatherings. Hey, I know it will happen, and I'm certainly happy enough while I'm waiting, but it is a little strange that things seem so hard.
To all you friends from Michigan, Boston, Utah, and Rexburg, thanks for being there! You are proof that at one point, I knew how to make friends. I'm glad I've been able to keep them too!
And now, a few words from Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings" -- keeping with the cheesy song theme --
It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
In the words of my friends Amy K and Kelli, "You Rock!"
Amy
11 comments:
You are making me so nervous to leave this friend haven! I know it's hard to believe (j/k), but I have the same problem. I know my issues, and really need to start working on repairs but let's talk about you! Here's my advice: First, I totally did all that Chicago/daydreaming stuff back in HS. Second, have you ever thought of hosting a girls night out? Just choose a few girls who aren't necessarily friends with each other but are people you think you'd mesh with and invite them over for treats and a movie after the kids are in bed. The movie is the buffer, just in case it's too awkward and you have nothing to talk about. I don't know what it is, but GNO usually works to loosen people up a little and because of the late hour everyone gets a little punchy and it won't matter what comes out of your mouth!
PS Sorry for the length of this comment, I guess I'm a little tired!
I love reading your blog, Amy. It cracks me up. I feel your pain deeply, as I have also been a transient for years now and have played this game more than once. It's amazing how many silly and ridiculous thoughts a grown woman (myself) can have when it comes to feeling friendless in a new place. Oddly, I'm feeling a little bit thrown back into that pool lately as "the bishop's wife"--people who weren't super close friends now treat us a bit oddly. I guess we all keep learning. Any time you feel the need, you're welcome to come spend a week dehydrating apples and making cute crafty things at my house.
I would have preferred you to have a video of you singing the lyrics to wind beneath my wings, but I guess I will just have to visualize it. Good luck on the friend front. I always get really excited to move someplace new thinking how great it will be to meet new people and then realize it is always harder than I remembered! Give out really good Halloween candy and then maybe people will like you, I know I would :) Just kidding. I wanted to post and let you know I was thinking about you.
I'm sorry that you are having a bit of a rough patch right now. It will all turn out. I don't think that you have a problem making friends, you are just moved away from dumpwood where you're right, for people with kids it was easy to have friends. Moving is always so hard. I hope it happens soon for you.
I was officially friend-free in Boston until you worked your friend making magic. I know you have it in you. The problem is obviously that nobody else appreciates what a treasure they are overlooking.
Which reminds me, we have yet to plan our trip down there yet . . . I'd better get Michael's schedule out!
Invite these folks to read your blog. They'll see how entertaining you are and then they'll be knocking down your door. You'll have so many friends, you won't even know what to do with them all. If that fails, you can serenade them with the aforementioned Bette Midler song. That would win anyone over!
Think about making friends with those that don't have things in common with you. I'm glad all my friends aren't in my age range and single! Just a FRIENDly suggestion from one of your Boston friends. :)
Ann Arbor was unique in many ways...hang in there. It just takes time. I thought I would never find a friend in the South, but over time, I found ways to fill needs for those around me and built friendships in the process. That said, these friendships are not, nor will they ever be, as deep and lasting as those built during the grueling, lonely, painfully poor, times spent furthering education. One last thing...a dear, wise, AA friend once told me, as she climbed into her U-haul to move away..."Pray for the Lord to send you a friend. He will." Loving your blog and praying that you will find a friend...Love, Andrea
I love you, Amy Lou! I'm so sorry you feel friendless. Don't take it personally. I know I'm less of a good friend now than I used to be, mostly because life just gets busy with all the kids and schedules. I still love people and think about them just as much, but it's honestly just hard to coordinate having someone else over when I'm busy with my own gang. So, I'm sure people think you're great. Hang in there. It will happen!
I'm pretty shy, actually, and I too dread finding new friends. But you? You're so fun! Someone is missing out! Hang in there... NW is about to "hibernate" soon anyway, so you're not missing much. :)
Miss you too, Ames. And I still miss Northwood, though time is helping to fill my friend-gap as well. I find with more kids, it gets harder to get out and do friend-stuff than BC (before children). Still, Northwood was a special place, and I knew when we left that we'd never live anywhere (except maybe heaven) that was anything like it. Thank goodness for the internet so we can all keep in touch!!!!
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