Parenting From the Trenches

So, if you had a really great day as a parent, go ahead and read on. Or if you're not a parent, you'll be fine too. But if you had a no good, terrible, horrible, very bad day as a parent, you may or may not want to read this. On the one hand, it may give you encouragement that other people (me) have totally bad parenting days (or weeks, as the case may be). On the other hand, you may be soooo discouraged by reading about my troubles that yours seem even more insurmountable. Either way, you have been warned.

Sigh.

I am emotionally drained. Yesterday was kinda bad and I self-medicated with M&Ms, popping them like Valium, hoping for some reprieve from the swirl of emotions and thoughts raging through my body and mind. Thoughts like: How can I get a job? When does school start again? Do I know of any good summer boarding camps? Now I know why some mothers choose to start drinking before noon. And, why was I considering getting pregnant again? You see, my children have not been their best selves lately, and it's taking its toll on me. I love them all dearly, I do, I do, and I know that they are just children, still learning, still growing, very much imperfect (like their mother). Sometimes they are darling, adorable, funny, smart, loving little beings and I just can't get enough of them. Not so much as of late. Case in point:

The middle one has always been a little prone to angry fits. Gets it from his father. I know this because Kyle's family tells me often about how CRAZY angry Kyle got as a child. Great. Thanks for that. Sometimes Hayden is good and keeps things in check. Not lately. He gets angry quickly, screams shrilly, (That word looks weird, but spell check isn't calling me on it, so I think I'm good.), and shouts such delightful things as "I hate you!" "Dumbhead!" "You're stupid!" "Idiot!" and the like. Yesterday he shouted "I hate you!" at least three times. He's said it enough that Kara is picking it up. After every child ruined every other child's sidewalk chalk creation and Jillian had the audacity to write "Hello my name is Haydumb", they all got sent to their rooms for timeout. Not Kara, exactly. She got sent to my room to watch tv. I was watching the clock, waiting for Kyle to walk in and help me discipline. At 5:32, just the time he should have been waltzing in the door to plant a kiss on my freshly-powdered cheek (because you know I'm all 1950's like that -- not!), he called to say he lost track of time and hadn't left yet. Excellent. So I had to remove the children from timeout to eat dinner without Dad, discuss their behavior, and try to remain calm. At this point I had neither yelled at nor hit anyone, so I was actually feeling kind of good. Then a tug of war match with an object I told Hayden to put down ended in a shower of tomato soup on Hayden's head, the floor, the wall, the cabinet, and anything else in sight. The mug was also shattered. And yet, I did not yell. I did not hit. I calmly cleaned everything up, got Hayden some new soup and a new shirt, and served dinner with pursed lips. The FHE movie night was cancelled and the kids were put to bed early, with a resolve to have a better day today.

Which we did, for the most part. I felt like I did a good job of providing fun and quality activities for the kids. We spent a lovely 2 hours picnicing at the park. They went to a class this morning about the tropical rain forest. We picked beans and peas from our garden. Hayden got in timeout again for fighting and pinching Jillian, but it was a good improvement over yesterday. Then I had to go to a church meeting. Unfortunately Kyle got distracted by the All-Star baseball game and was late with baths, bed, and all that routine. When I came home at almost 9pm no one was in bed. Sigh. As I was finishing up some stuff and helping kids clean up, Jillian and Hayden started to play some hitting game. I told her to stop and go get the scriptures out, but she didn't listen. A few seconds later I heard a scream. The game escalated (as it always does), and Hayden threw a hard object at Jillian's face. It cut her lip and popped one of her brackets off of her braces. I did yell, but I didn't spank or hit Hayden. I firmly escorted him to bed and took away the Wii for the rest of the month. Later I went in to talk to him about what we can do about his anger and reactions. We set up a code word that I'm going to use when he acts out, with the hopes that it will remind him to calm down and have nice things come out of his mouth. I said a prayer with him and tucked him in. Then I talked to Jillian about not aggravating Hayden with hitting or teasing games. We've had this talk a lot. I said a prayer with her and left.

And now, here I am. Feeling like a failure. Feeling like all the tasks I have to do in life don't leave me time to be good at much. Feeling like I should not have to supervise every minute of my children's lives for them to get along. Wanting to be a good parent. Hoping that underneath it all they are good kids. Knowing deep down that they are great kids. We've had a busy couple of weeks with lots of guests and inadequate sleep. Probably they haven't been getting the attention they need. Probably this is just how kids are sometimes. Definitely dark chocolate would help the situation, but I'm abstaining for today. Too many M&Ms yesterday.

Tomorrow is another day. A Wii-free day, as a matter of fact. A day in which I will try, again, to be a good parent.

56 days until school starts, but who's counting?

Amy