Hard things

About 2 weeks after Kyle moved to Boston I went to have a friendly chat with my ob gyn about my insides. As we were discussing my 2 year bout with terrible fatigue, she mentioned I had some symptoms that seemed out of the ordinary, like weakness and vision changes, and referred me to a neurologist. That was scary. I have a college roommate who was diagnosed with MS a few years ago, and at one time a doctor thought I might have Lupus, so it didn't seem outside the realm of possibility.

Well, last week I went to the neurologist and he thinks I'm fine, but just in case I'm going to have an MRI tomorrow and see what's up with my brain. Needless to say, having Kyle far away while facing the thought of a chronic illness diagnosis is a hard thing. So is struggling with fatigue. I'm hoping to get the "all clear" from the neurologists and move on to an endocrinologist next. I'm going to find out why I am tired and why I've gained 10 pounds, darn it!

I've discovered that having older children is difficult for many reasons, but mostly because you have to watch them struggle and you can't always solve everything. Jillian's started high school and is starting to experience friend drama and feeling left out. She's handling it all in stride, and says she's content, but I worry. I can't set up play dates for her anymore or hand-pick her friends. She's going to have to wade through high school and figure it out for herself. But I want her to be happy, have wonderful friends, feel included and valued, and make good choices. She is a great girl, and I am so happy to be her mother.

Kate is struggling the most with Kyle being gone. She's been extremely clingy and has had trouble leaving me to go to preschool and her church classes. I thought an afternoon preschool class a few days a week was the perfect solution to my fatigue issue, but she refuses to go. I spend time every day holding her and cuddling, and she smothers me with kisses and squeezes me tightly. It's sweet, really, but I also want her to be independent. Our district is planning on full-day kindergarten next year, and I want her to be ready emotionally.

Through all of these hard things I've been relying on prayer a lot. And it's working. I am so glad to be able to talk with God about what I'm feeling and ask for help for me and my children. We pray every night with Kyle via FaceTime and I'm grateful to have that connection as a family. So there's my shout out for prayer!

I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining, because I'm not. My life is good and I am very, very blessed. I've discovered that health issues is one of my ongoing trials in life. I'm mostly healthy, but never perfectly healthy. It's interesting. Thank goodness for good health insurance.