Slightly panicked

Most of you know that I have agreed to let my husband go work in Boston for 9 months while I stay home and parent our children. When the situation was first proposed, it was me who suggested I stay in Oregon. I felt calm and comfortable with the idea from the get-go, knowing it would be difficult, but doable.

I might be wrong.

Kyle left town yesterday morning for a 3-day conference in Texas. And although I'm doing fine, I'm very aware of Kyle's absence in the evening hours. I'm also very aware that he will be home in 24 hours, praise heaven!

Hayden had an epic fit tonight, arguing and raging for about 45 minutes. I kept calm and carried on, but wished Kyle were here to help. I know there are single moms all over the world that raise their children by themselves, but I have never been in that position.

And I'm a wee bit scared.

Since I don't really have a choice at this point (contracts have been signed, etc.), I'm going to have to learn to be more patient, more giving, more loving, and have more energy for the months to come. And I'm going to take very literally the phrase "heaven help me."

There are times when I wish I had one more baby, those who know me know the "who" I'm thinking of. But in my heart of hearts I know the physical and emotional moment where I could have had 5 children has passed.

And so tonight, as my sole son comes to apologize to me for his immature behavior (as I calmly predicted he would), I look forward with equal parts trepidation and excitement for the adventure to come. How will I feel when I say goodbye to Kyle and it is 31 days until he returns, not 3?

I'll let you know, because it's happening. But until then, I'm going to have the best summer ever. And then I'm going to send my husband away and probably cry.

Then I'll blog about it.