Memos

To the man outside the library:

When you see a pregnant woman with a two year-old walking by, please don't come nearer to them while smoking your cigarette. It is much more polite to walk away or stay still, thus keeping them from inhaling your secondhand smoke.

To my chest:

I am certain there has been sufficient growth for proper lactation to occur. Please stop expanding. I don't want to get any more comments like this one: "Wow. You're so tiny. Your boobs are bigger than your stomach."

To my fetus:

Keep growing in there, little girl. But if you want to come at, say, 37 weeks instead of 40, I'm totally okay with that. I can't wait to see you on the ultrasound tomorrow. Wave to me!

To my husband:

Thanks for 12 great years. It was fun to celebrate another anniversary. And we are finally starting to look older than we did when we got married. We must really be growing up.

To my children:

Yes, you do have to weed. Continuously. Throughout the entire summer. And into the fall. Get over it, and get out there.

To the young women:

I will miss being your leader so, so much. Please don't forget me, but more importantly, don't forget how much I love you, and how much I believe in you.

To the weather:

Nice job on the sun the last few days, but feel free to kick the temperature up a notch. 70 is feeling a bit cold, and we're going camping next week. Thanks much!

To the pollen count:

Wow. Way to be an overachiever. But seriously, you're making a lot of people miserable. Especially my husband, who can't quite get his hay fever under control. Even I'm sneezing, and I've been doing allergy shots for 6 years. A little less pollen will still go a long way.

To the bus people:

Did you really have to cancel that convenient route that went right by our house? Now Kyle has to add another 20 -3 o minutes to his commute (each way) or buy a car or bike. But it rains so much here that biking year round is a bit difficult. Please reinstate it as soon as possible before Kyle's carbon footprint increases exponentially.

To my blood pressure:

Um, you've been creeping up a bit in the past few days. I hope this isn't a continuing trend. Just so you know, the best thing to do would be hold steady until the beginning of August, then go up dramatically. That way we can avoid non-stress tests, bedrest, 24-hour urine collections, and all that nonsense. We'll just head straight to induction. Is that a deal?


Whew. Good to get those memos out of the way. I feel like I've really accomplished something. Now I need a snack.