Missing: Moxie

As a child, I was definitely a ham. I loved being on stage, making up dances and songs, acting, and being the center of attention. My Mom told me that at a Christmas party when I was 3, I got up and danced in front of everyone during a musical number. My stage fright happened only when playing the piano at recitals. I begged my siblings to join me in my home productions (most wouldn't oblige), and I had passable Southern and English accents. I have fond memories of lip-syncing Celine Dion for adoring "fans" in my Ricks College apartment in 1996. Man, I had the best back-up dancers ever. And then I was Tori, the host of "What's Hot/What's Not" in my roommate's basement. The list went on and on of the crazy and fun things I did with friends. It was no big deal to take on another persona and run with it, entertaining myself and others along the way. And somehow, over the past 10 years, I lost it. I lost it all.

Was losing my moxie an inevitable part of growing older? Why do I shun from being the center of attention now, except in more serious situations like leading a meeting? Occasionally I'll let loose a bit when playing games or in a social situation, but I still feel kind of awkward and inhibited. I'd be mortified if someone dragged me out of bed in my pajamas, plopped a tiara on my head, and made me do something silly in public. Why? Why do I hate having a restaurant full of people sing to me on my birthday? Why will I not sing in a group of less than 4 people? Is it because I've let my "talents" go, because my dancing is not what it used to be? Is it because I'm too self-conscious about not being perfect? Is it because others have been too critical? Is it because I've seen more sadness in my life, and have more responsibility?

Honestly, I don't know. But it makes makes me sad. It seems like life was more fun when I was a little more off the wall. I remember Kyle feeling a little bit overwhelmed by my energy and creativity when we were first together. But then, he also let me curl his entire head with a 1/4 inch curling iron and then turn it into an Afro. And we'd send silly emails back and forth relentlessly. Those were good times.

So, if anyone has any ideas for helping me regain some of my moxie, I'll take them. It's my new pet project: How Amy Got Her Groove Back. My only idea so far is to sing or lip sync a song and post it on my blog. That would be a good start. Until I get up enough nerve to do that, though, I might have to start with something tamer. Like stomping in mud puddles without worrying about stained clothes and muddy footprints. Like eating whipped cream straight from the can or playing "fuzzy bunnies" with marshmellows. Like having a dance party with my kids where I join in for more than two minutes before going off to clean something. Sounds like I need a sleepover!

PS -- The photos that would go best with this post are in Hayden's closet, and he's sleeping. But perhaps I'll dig them out and post them tomorrow. There are some real gems -- some with real moxie.